START TIME: 2:19 AM
PAST
First grade teacher's name: Ms. Timm. Or maybe Mrs. I don't remember.
Last word you said: "Yeah..."
Last song you sang: I've Got You Under My Skin - Michael Buble. Playing right now. Fave
Last thing you laughed at: something my ridiculous (and awesome) roomie did, probably.
Last time you cried: yesterday. out of frustration. I almost never cry because I'm sad (except for when I watch My Girl...)

PRESENT
What's in your cd player?: rocket summer, but I never use that thing...
What color socks are you wearing?: barefoot. I hate socks/shoes.
What's under your bed?: dust?
What time did you wake up today?: 7:30...kinda

CURRENT
Current hair: wet and piled up on top of my head
Current clothes: boyshorts and a tanktop. it's sleep times! or should be.
Current annoyance: it's not Saturday yet...
Current smell: it doesn't smell bad in here anymore! so that's nice. i can kind of smell my shampoo.
Current longing: food.
Current desktop picture: ex dog "the leaves are falling and i am floating again"
Current favourite music artist: Coldplay
Current book: "Survivor" - Chuck Palahniuk
Current worry: friggin school
Current hate: injustice
Story behind your username: Ti gave it to me, because I used to say "seriously" about one of every three words.
Current favourite article of clothing: old man sweater/coloured skinny jeans

RANDOMNESS
Favourite physical feature on preferred sex?:  eyes, smile, hair
Line from the last thing you wrote to someone: let's see..."<33 night" (double-stacked, if you'll notice)
I am happiest when: I'm uninhibited by awkward social situations.
I feel lonely when: I realize how ineffectual my life is in the grand scheme of things
Favourite authors: Tolkien, Shakespeare, Picoult
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?: England or Roma
Famous person you have met: no one. my life is tres sad and pathetico. rub it in some more, why dontcha.
Do you have any regrets?: life wouldn't be life if we were happy about everything it gave us
Sex or love: both. duh.
Favourite coffee: i dnw coffee.
Favourite smell: dirt. i'm weird. get over it.
What makes you mad?: ignorant/inconsiderate people
Favourite way to waste time: sleeping
What is your best quality?: my humility (duh). and also the fact that i'm friggin awesome.
Are in currently in love/lust?: yes
What's the craziest thing you have ever done?: some antics with Jon, I'm sure (ooer)
Any bad habits?: several
Do you find it hard to trust people?: depends on the person
Last thing you bought yourself: ehm...ramen! and cheesecake.
Bath or shower?: shower
Favourite season: fall
Favourite colour: today? navy blue.
Favourite flavour: root beer
Favourite time of day: late afternoon
Gold or silver?: silver
Any secret crushes?: i hate the term crush, so i'm skiving over this question.

FASHION
Do you wear a watch?: nope
Favorite stores: ON, Target, Forever 21
How big is your closet?: almost the perfect size for all my stuff
Ever spend more then $200 in a store? not all at once. i am in college, after all.

FRIENDS
Do your friends know everything about you?: different people know different things, but i'm a pretty open person. if you ask me something, i'll answer.
What do they tend to be like?: amazing
Can you count on them?: usually
Can they count on you?: hopefully...

LAST
book you read: Survivor
last movie you saw: Wedding Crashers
movie you saw on the big screen: The Dark Knight
show you watched on tv: The Office
song you heard: "To Be Alone With You" Sufjan <3
thing you had to drink: water
thing you ate: ramen
time you showered: a couple of hours ago
time you smiled: a few minutes ago
person you hugged: David
person you talked to online: David
person you talked to on the phone: ...David...wow.

DO YOU?
Sleep with stuffed animals?: i would if i had Hobbes...i miss him.
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: yes
Play an instrument?: no
Believe there is life on other planets?: it's possible
Read the newspaper?: rarely
Believe in miracles?: yes
Consider yourself tolerant?: usually
Consider police a friend or foe?: right now? foe.
Like the taste of alcohol?: it's okay
Believe in astrology?: no
Believe in magic?: things can be magical...
Go to church?: ha...
Have any secrets?: doubtful
Have any pets?: Dumbledore the beta fish!
Go or plan to attened college?: yes
Talk to strangers?: sometimes
Have any piercings?: ears/industrial
Have any tattoos?: not now
Hate yourself?: nope
Wish on stars?: sometimes
Like your handwriting?: it's messy. eck.
Believe in witches?: no
Believe in ghosts?: yes
Believe in santa?: i wish
Believe in the easter bunny?: the concept freaks me out
Believe in the tooth fairy?: nope, never did...
Sing in the shower?: hum, sometimes
End Time: 2:40 (got a bit distracted)

I debated briefly as to whether or not I should post this on political cartel or on here, but ultimately decided it should be here because most of it is just my various thoughts and not very structured or political at all.

It unnerves me how unforgiving and judgmental Christians are. It always reminds me of that quote by Gandhi: "I love your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." I'm reading a book right now (Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh) that has given me a purer illustration of Christianity than any sermon I have ever heard or any theological discussion I have ever participated in. Christianity should be about the fruits of the Spirit, yes? But how often are all (or any) of those virtues present in our lives from day to day? Ultimately, they aren't.

The hypocrisy within the church disgusts me, and is one of the fundamental reasons why I'm so conflicted about my religious preferences. People profess that they believe certain things because of the bible, but neglect to uphold stronger principles that the bible advocates. For example, how many Christians do you know who are totally disgusted whenever homosexuality is mentioned? Countless times, my fellow Christians have treated this practice with scorn and contempt without taking the time to realize that a gay person is just as worthy as a heterosexual one. I don't want to delve too deeply into how I feel about this particular issue because it's so touchy for so many people, but treating a homosexual person any differently than a heterosexual one just isn't right. Even if you think it's a horrendous sin that warrants eternal damnation, that never warrants you treating that person with any less respect than you would expect to be treated. I'm tearing up right now just thinking about the suffering they must feel at the hands of Christians who should be the people loving them and caring for them.

Maybe I'm just a hippie. Maybe I'm completely wrong about this. But I think that love really can conquer all things, and that too often, we don't allow it to. If we truly let the Holy Spirit work through us, we would treat everyone with respect, compassion, and love, just because they also are a brother or sister of Christ. God loves them just as much as he loves you. Any barrier between someone who is living in sin and yourself is not their sin, it is your pride. Reach out to those who are suffering. Condemning them or ridiculing them accomplishes nothing good.

I don't mean to come off sounding preachy or anything like that. I actually wrote this post because I've been struggling so much lately with treating other people courteously, no matter what they may do or say to me (or behind my back). This is probably more for me than anyone else. Unfortunately, I've got to cut it short, because I've got class, but I may be back later to edit.

As always, feel free to comment. =] I love you!

It's given that people struggle with different things based on where they are in their lives, whether it be mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or physically. But there are a few blockades that follow people throughout their entire lives, and I think forgiveness is one of them. I know people of all ages, all maturities, and all personalities who struggle with forgiveness on a day-to-day basis and from events that occurred sometimes decades in the past. Why is this? Why do we, as humans, have such a difficult time forgiving others?

I have been struggling with trying to forgive three people who took away a lot from me (by drastically different methods) for about a year, or five months, respectively. It's the most difficult thing I've ever gone through, almost worse than the "unforgivable" actions themselves. It's a struggle every day between wanting to hold what they did against them, because it was wrong, or letting go and moving on, which I want to do and have done under different circumstances in the past. A lot of people who struggle with this bring God into it; God won't forgive you for your transgressions if you don't forgive others for theirs. A passage that is most often quoted to me when I tell people I struggle with forgiveness is Matthew 18, the parable about the two servants who owed debts. And I appreciate the meaning and context of that parable, and how it's meant to show that I have to be patient when others screw up because I'll screw up eventually, too. But it's still hard for me, because I don't think I will ever do to another person what has been done to me. It's NOT the same, and it never will be. 

I struggle so much with forgiveness because of my pride. I don't like admitting that I have to be humble and accept the fact that I've messed up a bit, too. I also don't like that me forgiving these others does not mean that they will forgive me now, or ever, or the fact that they'll probably never know I've forgiven them. It doesn't make logical sense to put myself in such a compromising position for people who just don't care.

If a friend came to me in my situation, I'd tell her that holding all that anger in her heart eventually hurt no one but herself, and that technically, all sins are the same, so it should be no more difficult than forgiving a socially smaller offense. I know I should forgive them. I WANT to forgive them. But every day I think I'm easing into that state of letting it go, accepting what happened for what it was, and moving on, something else comes up that brings me tumbling back again. It's extremely frustrating to know what I want and need to do and yet be seemingly incapable of doing so. My head and heart know where they want to be, but something else is preventing them from reaching that state, and I just can't seem to conquer it.

This post isn't meant to make you sit back and say, "Whoa. She's got problems," or meant to incite pity, compassion, sympathy, or even encouragement. It's just nice to make what I'm dealing with known to people other than just me, because people tend to see things in a different light.

It was my birthday today. Happy 19 years, to me. I think it's somewhat ridiculous when people ask if it feels different being a year older; of course it doesn't. The awkward and ridiculous 18-year-old Nebraskan girl is now the awkward and ridiculous 19-year-old Nebraskan girl. This one day hasn't changed me at all, but looking back, I've grown so much between 18 and 19. I know everyone says this, but I went through a plethora of traumatic events that I know I couldn't have conquered if I didn't have the support system I do. So, if you're a part of that, thanks for everything. I love you guys.

So, what have I learned in the past year? I could type up a cute little list with bulleted points and footnotes and inside jokes and my heart on my sleeve, but I don't think I will. What I have learned in just this one tiny year cannot be summed up into one blog; its circumference equates my entire being. I think experience is the best teacher, and you can't readily translate experience into text.

What I can say is this: sometimes, life sucks. People are douchebags. Relationships crumble. Things that once meant the world to you are there one day and gone the next. The bad days make you want to alternately punch everyone in the face or curl up in a ball and ignore the world.

But those really good days are worth enduring tenfold of the horrible ones.

I think there's something so incredibly awesome about laying out all secrets and past errors on the table.
And horrifying.

It's so funny to me (and by funny, I mean ridiculous) how many women feel that women's rights are always meant to be categorized in the same sub-group. Violence against women = abortion rights = equal prestige in the business world = free speech within the church.

Ehm, no. I'm all for women's rights. Go women. You all are awesome, and if you believe you deserve something as a woman and as a person, go for it. I'm just cautioning you not to expect everyone to have your back on that issue. I read very recently something that was extremely disturbing to me. A woman commented on a fantastic blog (http://politicalcartel.com/: you should ALL read it, every day) and said that her uterus was apparently more important than she was as a person because people will fight for Roe v. Wade, but they will not stand up for her right as a woman to become leaders in the church. These issues are so blatantly NOT the same that I don't even know where to begin dissecting her statement. First of all, Roe v. Wade, to me, while it can be classified as pertaining to women's rights, does not solely concern our uteruses (uteri? that's much more fun to say). Abortions, I will admit, are a moral issue that many people LOVE to address back and forth incessantly. However, the "abortion issue" also affects the economy, the medical profession, the right to privacy, and, obviously, our society.

Women participating in the church does not possess near the magnitude of scale that the abortion issue does. Most of America could care less if women are represented or lead in the church at all. As much as we don't like it, the church is not the center of America. There's a reason why church and state are separated, because usually what is best in the church's eyes gets nothing accomplished in government (try telling Americans to turn the other cheek on September 12, 2001). If the church of Christ EVER lets women address the congregation (and I don't think this could ever happen), who will that affect? The small denomination of Americans who attend churches of Christ. If, on the other hand, Roe v. Wade is overturned (which is more plausible), it would affect a grand majority, if not all, Americans (and definitely not only women).

This seems like kind of a small issue to write an entire blog about, but it's just frustrating to me when people latch onto an issue and claim that it affects them and only them (!) on a personal level, and that no one else could ever possibly understand the horrible things it's put them through. "There is nothing new under the sun." That includes your, and my, ideals and opinions. So if you're going to complain about no one respecting your rights as fill-in-the-most-likely-form-of-misunderstanding, just know that by claiming that you are one of the sole victims, you yourself are admitting you're not going to have a lot of people supporting you.
There's probably a reason for that.

Okay, first, I'd like to mention that I realize how utterly ridiculous it is that all of my posts' titles are songs. But I'm okay with that. You should be, too.

Recently, someone asked me why I was voting for Obama. And it's probably something that a lot of mature people who accept the fact that I'm not brainwashed, and I actually HAVE opinions of my own, are curious about. Especially all my undecided and Republican friends, because, honestly, the liberals already know where it's at. So here we go.

My main reason is probably just that I think Obama is exponentially more level-headed than McCain is, and that has only been strengthened as of late. This has been evidenced in both of their campaigns, but I think especially so in the debates. McCain is very apt to repeat the same mantras, over and over again. He blames Obama every second he gets and when he's not, he's reverting to some presidential hero of times long ago whom he idolizes and creeps on in his brain all the time (wait...what? ...You know it's true). Obama, on the other hand, outlines his responses to the debate questions in a methodical fashion, making it easy to understand for those Joe six-packs out there. He is eager to get his opinions about the issues out there, and to clear his name from the slander McCain is always throwing against him, but not near as likely to call out McCain for being an idiot. Obviously, he does sometimes, but he's running for president. ...What're ya gonna do.

There's a lot of smaller reasons, too. Our economy is basically screwed, and history shows that Democrats are good in times like these (helloooo, FDR). I have no respect for a man who could elect Sarah Palin to be his vice presidential candidate (no matter how hot she is). I do not appreciate McCain's lack of support for the Violence Against Women Act, which is the main reason why I like Biden so much. And in no seriousness whatsoever, I find McCain to be an extreme bridge-trollesque creeper and I just don't want to have to look at him all the time. Plus, I hate the fact that McCain prides himself on being a "maverick" and yet now he has to be bff with a lot of Bush's policies to get the votes he needs to win this election. I know that politicians can't be expected to remember or follow through with everything they have said in the past, but this is almost a complete turnaround. Do not want.

That being said, it makes me very sad that because I hold these opinions, my family is praying for my eternal salvation (I'm not joking). It frightens me and frankly, pisses me off, that most of the people who hold my vote against me know nothing about either candidate. I dislike blanket voters, who will choose a candidate only based on their partisanship, almost as much as people who don't vote. I'm just sayin', if you're going to vote, take it seriously. This person will RUN your COUNTRY. That has weight, no matter how much Congress tries to keep him in check.

I love Harding liberals. Favourites.

I think all the political hatred going around is SO ridiculous.

Okay, yes, I'll be the first to tell you that I think Sarah Palin is uninformed and has no clue what she's doing. But that doesn't mean that I think that if she and McCain win the election, America will be drastically changed, and I should move out of the country because it's screwed. No. Our government isn't set up so that if someone doesn't know what they're doing, the entire country will fall to pieces. It's set up so that if someone is hell-bent on destroying our country, or turning it socialist, as some people think about Obama, they can't get very far. It's called checks and balances. Of course, if someone who was completely ignorant was elected into office, they might make a lot of mistakes and set us a bit further back than we need to be right now. But we've had sucky presidents before, and we've recovered.

I never understood why people get so emotionally involved with politics. It's just like a game of chess. Who has the best plays? Who can maneuver around their opponent to get what they want most? That's all it is. It's just so ignorant when people start cussing other people out because they support one of the candidates, just because they don't agree. Half the time people aren't even well-educated on the issues. They're Republican or Democrat, so they support that candidate blindly, and are extremely antagonistic towards the other party and its supporters.  If you're opposed to a candidate, that doesn't mean they don't have any good ideas, or aren't striving to change this country for the better, no matter what their means are. I respect both candidates and their VP elects just for having the drive and the guts to go for it in the first place. That's impressive. 

I support Obama. Just for saying that, I've had friends stop talking to me, I've had people call me a liberal freak, I've had people tell me I must like abortion and support it. Just because I support him doesn't mean I agree with everything on his platform. It just means that he's a Democrat, and we're economically screwed right now, and I think he can do a better job of fixing it than McCain can. Not to mention that I think McCain's poor health shouldn't be tested with this election right now. That doesn't mean that I hate everyone who is supporting McCain. That doesn't mean that I love everyone who is supporting Obama. It's just my opinion, and I, as an American, am entitled to state it, support it, and defend it whenever I want to. No one can change my thoughts, or even influence them, without my consent, no matter how much they might scream dirty words at me. I wish people would just accept that instead of getting so uptight about, well, the world. Americans need the biggest subscription to chill pills EVER.

But, by the way, I AM emotionally invested in Obama's campaign because of the Barack roll.
Just sayin'.
http://hmatkin.blogspot.com/

Okay...just sayin'...I have no clue how to make this all cute and presh like some other people I could mention.

BUT, I was thinking, what's the world really missing? Oh yeah. My opinions, all over the internet. Duh.

So here are a few:
1) this whole rooming situation is the coolest
2) my life will be stuck in the slough of despond until I get a mac
3) studying is overrated
4) itunes genius? is genius. fave.

<3